guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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