You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
