you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
