i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
