My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
babies were throwing up all over the place
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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