so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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