I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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