My nipple is on Facebook.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize