I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I met the friendliest cop last night
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
false alarm, still single
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
