I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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