I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
True strength comes from lack of pants
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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