your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
