thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
