you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
