I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
