im six kinds of drunk right now
I understand Curling. That high.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
