Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
