bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
