For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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