i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
