She went from zero to smokin in five shots
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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