Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
