Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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