new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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