with your own penis?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
