the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
