i need an iv and a liver transplant
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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