Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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