the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
