If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just threw up on my dentist
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
