This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
