Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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