normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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