I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
