I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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