"it" just moved
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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