we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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