I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
