the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize