why do cheetos always look like penises
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
