I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
