Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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