I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
it's like heaven, but drunker
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Randomize
