I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize