I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
