My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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