i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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