i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
