We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
