over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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