census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize