So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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