Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
