I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
