I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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