it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
