Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
