I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Watching her eat just hurts me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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