I am puke
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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