I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
