Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just found puke in my bra..
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
