It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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